Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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