i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
