just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
