Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
