I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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