Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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