somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
