Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize