Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize