I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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