it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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