I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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