I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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