I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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