dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
