We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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