too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
