She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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