Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
