The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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