Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
