Little spoons don't ask big questions
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
