She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
