my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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