I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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