matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
