There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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