Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think I am morally bankrupt
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
