My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
