It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
