he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
