I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
