So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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