All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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