Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
