Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
