i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
