those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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