You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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