I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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