I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
