Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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