Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize