Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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