Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
