wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
