Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
