In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
