There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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