Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
40s are totally the cure
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
