Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
