I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
