yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
