i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize