We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize