My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
