Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
