I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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