I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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