Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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