I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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