i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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