as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
